Nonalcoholic Champagne
by 3-points-P
Summary: Ehhhh...I forgot how anal Fanfiction.net is about html code...so I reuploaded this story in it's proper format. Thanks to those who pointed out the mistake in their reviews ^___^ humor.. Trowa wants sex, Quatre's a little clueless ^___^


Title: Nonalcoholic Champagne   
-or-   
Title2: The Answer to Every Fic That Depicts Quatre As a Sexed Crazed Bastard   
-or-   
Title3: Quatre gets Laid (woa-who! )   
Warnings: Yaoi, Yaoi, Yaoi! Language in this one too (That Trowa's such a naughty boy )   
Pairings: 3/4   
Notes: The poorly written sequel/conclusion to the poor written ficlet :). Can be read as a one shot. Enough dirty jokes to make this officially a Mel Brooks movie!!!!   
Trowa paced back and forth. In the next room was the object of his lust, Quatre Raberba Winner, sitting on his firm horde of sexual delights otherwise know as his bed waiting...just waiting to be consumed by his desire. 

But there was this one tiny, tiny problem. Everytime he tried to casually seduce Quatre, Quatre seemed to misunderstand totally. He didn't want to tie down the tiny Arabian pilot and accost him but that's pretty much what it was coming down to. 

"It's ok...you still have hope. He's not totally devoid of a sexuality he just needs a little push in the right direction, ...my direction." Trowa schemed as he collected himself and pushed open the bathroom door, revealing the beautiful pilot. 

"Quatre...my Quatre," he smiled. 

Quatre looked up at him and flashed him a big beautiful smile. That smile shifted to a grin as Trowa moved towards him, a blush as he got closer, and a 'Oo' as Trowa straddled him on the bed. 

"Ano..." he began, "Trowa there's a seat right over there if you want to sit down." 

Trowa ignored the urge to facefault as he figured Quatre might try to escape, and ran his hand gently through Quatre's soft golden hair. "Quatre, my sweet innocent Quatre..." 

"Ummmmmm...Yes? 

He pressed his forehead up against Quatre and gently licked the tip of his nose. "Quatre...I'm so hungry.." 

Quatre's eyes brighten noticeably, "OH! OK!" 

Trowa's mind froze for a second "Oh crap," he thought, "really poor choice of words..." 

**CRASH**

Trowa fell to the floor as suddenly Quatre shoved him off of him and pulled a small square table-with meal and romantic candles included- out of hammerspace. He set this down by Trowa and presented him with the aforementioned chair. "Here you go Trowa!" 

Trowa looked up at the beaming Quatre, his little conquest, and let out a defeated sigh. He took his seat across from Quatre and noted the candles. "That's it!" he thought. "I just need to speak to him in his language, lose the heavy seduction and go for something more sweet and trusting." 

"Quatre," he said softly with big-sappy-puppy-eyes(TM), "Quatre I really really adore you." 

Quatre smiled like a happily little kabbit and said, "Me too Trowa!" 

"I feel like your the most important thing in my life, my heart, my soul, my love..." he paused, waiting for Quatre to catch on. 

"sniffsniff Awww...Trowa sigh" 

"YES YES YES!!!!," Trowa's mind screamed, "that's it almost...almost!" 

"I would give up all the stars in my world, the sun, the moon, all the light in my life just to know whether you feel the same..." 

Quatre nodded enthusiastically, "I do Trowa, I always have!" 

"I'mgo'ngetsome-I'mgo'ngetsome-I'mgo'ngetsome..." Trowa's mind chanted happily. 

"Quatre I'd like to take our love to the next level," Trowa said putting extra sap into his big-sappy-puppy-dog-eyes(TM) and clasping his hands around Quatre's delicate ones. 

Quatre paused, his eyes timidly shift upward and then focused back down at Trowa. "Well...I don't know, but I guess we could do that!" 

"REALLY?" Trowa asked leaning forward across the table. "You really understand?" 

"Yeah, but what are we going to do on the roof Trowa?" 

Trowa facefaulted through the table landing face down on the floor, legs pointed skyward in a spinebreaking position. Little chibi Quatres ran in circles around his head, laughing cheerfully at him. 

"Ano...Trowa are you OK?" 

"Why me?" >Seduction of Quatre -take 2!- 

Trowa stared coldly and harshly down the barrel of the gun that was Quatre Raberba Winner. He knew the boy must have some sexual energy just waiting to come out and play, but like a bottle of cheap champagne he was having the damnest time opening him. He refused to give up, he would conquer Quatre by the end of the night or God help him! (please) 

He sat at the table now eating the new hammerdespacified food Quatre had prepared. For omething that had been pulled out of thin air it really was quite yummy, but of course their were other yummy things that took precedence. 

He lifted up the heavy glass of redwine Quatre had poured him, debating whether or not to drink himself to death. "Wait a'minute," he thought. "That's it! All I have to do is get him a little drunk! Why didn't I think of that before!!!" 

"Quatre love, let me fill that up for you..." 

Thirteen glasses later 

Quatre chatted along with Trowa merrily. Trowa was on the verge of mega frustration...DAMNIT he was almost out of alcohol!!!! Who would have thought Quatre could hold his liquor? 

Fifteen glasses later 

Trowa banged his head up against the wall behind him several times. "BAKA! BAKA! BAKA!," his mind scolded over and over again. He silenced his selfabuse as the pressure in his lap stirred. He looked down and ruffled the beautiful golden hair of Quatre Raberba Winner who was sound asleep nestled in his lap, and whose light snoring was only interrupted by an occasional hiccup. Seduction of Quatre -take 3!- 

Trowa leaned over to glare at the com link as the image of Duo Maxwell fell over laughing. 

Heero and Wufei gave him sympathetic glances before they kicked Maxwell out of his fit. 

"So...hehe...let me get this straight...hehehehe...he...you tried to get him just a little tipsy with some alcohol..hehe... only you gave him too much and he fell asleep in your lap?" Duo asked. 

"Yes," Trowa answered flatly. 

"Bwhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!" Duo lost all control. 

"Trowa," Heero started. "Maybe you should show Quatre exactly what you want..." 

"You mean??" 

"Quatre's so innocent and pure...are you sure he even knows what...err...what lovers do?" Heero asked. 

"I didn't think he was that pure, I mean come on he's sixteen..." 

"He also hangs around with 40 large Arab guys who worship him and screen his mail for dirty words," Wufei stated. 

Duo, finally regaining his composure, added "besides man turn on the TV here, Quatre's family has the V-chip! You can't get anything but Rugrats and Cartoon Network, there's nothing good on there1" 

"Especially when one braided baka insists on watching the same episode of Rugrats over and over again!" Heero mumbled. 

"OH SHUT UP! You're just upset that you missed Dexter's Lab!" Duo snapped back. 

As the two ruthless Gundam Pilots left the room to continue arguing about which cartoon show was indeed the best, Wufei stepped a little closer to the com link. "Trowa, if that doesn't work your only option is to be direct." 

"Hrn," Trowa said as he disconnected the link that was installed next to the toilet, and ventured out of his room. 

When Trowa came back he was please to find that Quatre was wide awake and remarkably not the least bit hungover, "what is wrong with you?" his mind thought as he entered the room. "28 glasses of redwine and you're not dead yet?" 

"Oh! Hello Trowa, I didn't know when you would be back so I started ironing your clown pants for you!" Quatre said. 

"Good God it's like we're married," Trowa thought. "Only without the sex whine And I want the SEX!!!!!" 

"Thank you Quatre, ahhhh...come here there's something I want to show you." 

Trowa lead Quatre over to the bed again, this time sitting the Arabian pilot on his lap as he pulled out a copy of 'H' magazine2. 

"Ooo Story time Trowa?" Quatre teased with a poke. 

"Something like that," he responded. 

With just the right speed he turned the pages for Quatre to see, lingering on some of the more ehem sensual spreads, but not allowing enough time for Quatre to form a definite reaction to anything 

"Quatre," he started as they were approaching the article section. "Do you know what this is?" 

Quatre nodded cheerfully, "Uh-huh this is the issue my sisters are in!!" 

Trowa's jaw dropped to the floor, "NANI?" 

Quatre looked at him, distinctly puzzled. He moved Trowa's hand so that they turned to the front page again and Trowa read, '29 test tube beauties...Praise God for the Winner clan!' 

"I don't believe this...I just don't believe it," Trowa thought. "Who would have thought Quatre's sisters' were so well endowed..." He looked down on the boy sitting in his lap and suddenly realized what that may mean, DROOL 

"Ummm...Quatre, love...what exactly are your sisters doing in a porn magazine?" Trowa asked gently. 

"They said it was for artistic integrity, and that the human form is a beautiful thing," Quatre reported a-matter-of-factually. 

Trowa studied some of Quatre's relatives particular poses. "It certainly is," he commented. 

"Trowa?" Quatre asked, his wide baby eyes all watery with confusion. "If you didn't know my sisters were in it, why are you showing me this??" 

"Well...," Trowa started. "I was thinking that maybe we could...you know, get all hot and sweaty together?" 

Quatre stared at Trowa's sincere pleading eyes. Quatre looked very concerned and very troubled by this. His eyes moved to the floor as he seemed to be thinking it over carefully. "You really want to do that?" Quatre asked. 

"YES! Desperately!!!" Trowa moaned. 

Quatre bit his lip and then nodded. "Alright Trowa anything for you...though I don't much like the gym.." 

Trowa's facial expressions: Oo!...>.  
"AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Trowa screamed. Then he grabbed Quatre by his shoulders and shook him hard. "NO! NO! NO! NO!!!!! Quatre I want you! I want to fuck you like some wild horny animal, like there's no tomorrow! I want to fuck you BLIND Damnit!!!!!" 

When he was finally done, Trowa let out several soft pants and looked Quatre in the eye again. Quatre seemed in a state of shock for a while, then a sweet soft smile drew across his face. "Well why didn't you just say so silly?" 

Trowa blinked. 

Quatre moved off of the bed and went to his safe. When he returned he held a single brass key around his pointer finger and gestured for Trowa to follow him down the hall. 

"Let's go visit part of my inheritance!" he said with childlike glee. 

Trowa almost dreaded the outcome. What cruel way would fate tease him this time? 

When Quatre opened the small plain wooden door that the key belonged to, Trowa couldn't believe his eyes. Whips, chains, silk, satin, feathers, some more chains, and all sorts of devices he couldn't even begin to imagine how to use. He was completely dumbfounded. 

"This was my father's personal study," Quatre explained. 

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOUR FATHER STUDY????" 

Quatre shrugged innocently, "I really don't know what he did here but..." he gave Trowa the most sly and seductive grin, "you want to help me find out?" 

Thump Trowa fainted. 

"Trowa? Trowa?..." 

Notes: 

1 Couldn't resist! 

2 Obscure reference to my other anime fav Dragon Ball. Kamesennin (otherwise known as Roshi) frequently appears reading a porn magazine titled 'H'. H obviously standing for Hentai. 

-End- 


End file.
